Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Let Down

May and June have sure been crazy months! It started out in May with me quitting my job. That was a bit crazy but turned out to be a great blessing! Then the school year ended, which was so bittersweet. I absolutely adored my class and working with Suzanne. It was hard to let all that go. Then came Summer Break! What gets better then that?! We got to spend some time with Brian's family and went to the beach. Great! Now we are planning our trip to New York for next week. (a little last minute decision, but can't wait!) All these big events going on and of course trying to get pregnant all worked into that mix. So, there I was about 2 weeks ago, getting ready to gear up for the monthly let down of finding out that I wasn't pregnant. A day goes by, 2 days, 3 days....hmm?? Am I pregnant? I take a test and nope, it's negative. Wow, that hurts. But I have had several of those negative tests so I am really not as surprised as I once was. Then 4 days, 5 days?? Okay I'm gonna take another test....Negative. 6 days, 7 days, 8 days. Alright, I'm going to the doctor. She asks me a million questions, takes some blood and does a general "check up". She doesn't seem concerned. She doesn't seem worried. That's comforting. She says, we will let you know tomorrow what the results of the blood test are. Okay, well here I am on day 10...still waiting! They call today and it's negative. Shouldn't have been to shocked, but that let down is just tough! Now I have to take a pill to get my cycle started. What's that about? This is all so new to me and leaves me with so many questions.

The doctor also talked to me yesterday about doing an infertility workup. Since it's been almost a year that we have been trying, she thinks it might be a good idea to get that ball rolling. Just to see what's going on. I wasn't at all upset about that idea, because to me it just makes sense to do it. Why not find out what's going on. But now that I have heard today's news I think it has finally hit me. The big step that this infertility workup is. This is not at all where I thought I would be today. A year ago we were just starting to think about trying to get pregnant. I didn't have unreal expectations that we would get pregnant in a month or two, but I definitely didn't think it would be this long. We started out so casual about the whole thing. We weren't scientific. We just wanted it to happen when it was gonna happen. Well, that slowly started to become more serious. After the first 6 months or so it was getting to be a little more serious. So we started timing things more specifically and keeping track of all that stuff. Still not too scientific, but more than before. Well, now here we are at 11 months. If I had known then what I know now, I would have gotten off my pill a lot earlier. Why did I wait as long as I did? I know I can't go back in time and I know that all the things that have happened so far have been completely in the Lord's hands. I know that He has a plan for our lives and that His timing is perfect. I know all those things and I believe them!

I know all about the let down. I know all about the emotions that build up inside of a woman and all the hope. I also know about the tears and the hurt that go along with that negative test result. Today's news was not great and the let down is painful, but I know that being pulled up out of this despair by my Savior will make it all worth it. I know that the Lord will give me the strength to stand back up and start all over again. I know that this is happening for a reason....it will happen! He WILL provide! Though it is so hard to see the good in this situation, I can still see Him! I can feel His arms holding me and loving me.

So, what's the next step? Where do we go from here? Well, first we go to the Cross. I lay down my hurt and pain at His feet and I trust that He will guide me. The let down is tough! And being told to just trust in the Lord is not always what you want to hear in that moment, but what else can someone say? It's the truth and that's all we have.


Suzanne said...

i love you. i love your honesty and i am encouraged by your faith. He IS in control and IS provider! You are a great witness of His lovingkindness. i love you!

Pineda Family said...

Keep your chin up! In HIS time it WILL happen for you two.